Have you ever stopped to think about these three little words: “How are you?” For most, they are nothing more than a social convention, an act of recognition that there is another human being in front of you much the same as one might say “Good morning,” to a passing stranger or “Have a good day,” to a customer as they leave your shop. They are just pleasantries we allow to roll off our tongues usually without a second thought.

 

Now, let’s imagine what such a social convention may feel like if a person is living with depression… you are asked the question, “How are you?” inside you know the person means well but suddenly you are caught in a quandary… do I tell the truth or do I stuff my feelings down and lie? Well, #1, you may believe that no one wants to hear how you feel because they hear it so much from you, so you may find yourself not wanting to answer truthfully. But, on the other hand, how many times per day must you deny how feel inside in order to meet the social convention with a socially acceptable answer? Why is the socially acceptable answer more valuable than how you truly feel?

 

It might go something like this in your head:

 

Friend: “Hi, how are you?”

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Depressed person: I feel like crap, but if I say that, she’ll think I’m being negative and tease me about being Eeyore. I don’t want to alienate her or make her depressed, and I also don’t want to answer a lot of questions to explain or justify how I feel. I’d better act like I’m OK. Maybe she won’t notice. 

 

“I’m fine, how are you?”

 

Friend to herself: She doesn’t look good, but I don’t want to pry, and I don’t know what to do if I find out she’s not OK, so I’ll just wait for her to tell me what’s wrong. Exercise would probably help her—maybe I can inspire her. 

 

“I’m good—just had a great workout.”

 

Depressed person: Oh, god, she thinks I’m a fat slug. I don’t have the energy to brush my teeth, much less work out. I’m a worthless piece of crap. I’ll never be a normal person like her. Everyone else just goes on with their lives, and everything would go on the same way without me. I’m really not a participant in life; I’m just dead weight. 

 

“Wow, that’s awesome. I have to get back to the gym, too. How’re the kids?”

 

Friend to herself: If I entertain her with stories, maybe it will cheer her up …

 

Depressed person (tuning in and out of stories): I’ve told her how crappy I felt—or some of it—both times I’ve seen her recently. If she knows I’m still depressed, she’ll probably be bored and overwhelmed and won’t want to see me again until I feel better. Maybe I can just talk about one problem.

 

“Yeah, I’m really worried about Henry… he punched a kid at school the other day …”

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Good friends may listen and care, but if the condition is chronic, they get tired of listening to the same scary, depressing point of view. The friend may attempt to avoid conversation to avoid getting caught in a depressing snare, they may tell the depressed person to “cheer up” or invalidate their experiences by telling them they “shouldn’t feel that way”. Still others may blame the depressed person by saying/thinking something like, “Well, if they would stop whining and DO something about it…”  That person may not have been able to drag themselves into a shower in the last week… you think they are functioning well enough to do something about their depression on their own?

 

In order to avoid the ridicule, the jokes, the invalidation, the eye-rolling, the blame and the platitudes, the depressed person lies. The “lies” that get told in order to get through the social convention 10 times per day can begin to feel quite isolating as the person stuffs their feelings over and over as though they are trying to hide a big shameful secret. The depression itself begins to feel like a big shameful secret which keeps the Isolation Monster fed and growing until the person is fairly crushed under the weight of it. Is there any wonder depressed people offer the weakest, saddest smile ever and go under once again, slipping under the waves of utter hopelessness of the endless blackness.

 

The good news is that the cage of depression can be opened when you begin to challenge the negative thoughts. On the “Resources” page, download the “Challenging Unhelpful Thoughts” worksheet and get started now!

 

 

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