04.05.2021

How to Recognize a Toxic Relationship

 

 

 

 

 

As I was doing research for this post, I found a bunch of different definitions of what a “toxic relationship” truly IS… What I found was that within all the definitions there were common threads:

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 Patterns

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1. Drains energy

2. Emotionally and/or physically damaging

3. Destructive patterns/behaviors repeat themselvesjealousy, possessiveness, dominance, manipulation, desperation, selfishness or rejection

4. Intense draw toward one another despite pain caused to one another

5. Not ‘safe’; insecure

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Behaviors

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1. Being selfish or demanding, behaving as if you have power over your partner.

2. Acting out the role of parent or child, by showing submission or dominance.

3. Using emotional coercion or manipulation to get what you want.

4. Denying your own or your partner’s separateness or individuality, instead seeking a merged identity.

5. Confusing real love with desperation or emotional hunger.

6. Refusing to act in kind ways with actions your partner would perceive as loving.

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Compare this picture to what healthy relationships encompass:

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Health relationships:

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1. Contributes to self-esteem and emotional energy

2. Mutually caring, respectful and caring

3. Comfortable and secure

4. Compassionate and sharing

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We will discuss healthy relationships another week, I just wanted to offer a comparison.

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Okay, so what is meant by ‘intense draw’? What is that all about? I’m glad you asked!

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The ‘intense draw’ is an enormous indicator that you may be in a toxic relationship. According to Dr. Robert Firestone, the founder of the ‘Fantasy Bond’ theory, stated that the ‘fantasy bond’ describes an intimate connection that is actually an illusion. The illusion is put in place to numb emotional pain and allow the individuals to live the fantasy instead of facing of having to deal with the reality of the relationship. When people have this sort of connection, they form a “I have to have you” dynamic that draws its juice from the couple being near in proximity. Without the constant flow of energy back and forth, the “bond” is put at risk. People can be so desperate to avoid emotional pain of past experiences, even as far back as childhood, that they will even deny a ‘true self’ in favor of the illusion as they have convinced themselves their illusionary bond is the real thing. This ‘need’ for the illusion is what creates the intense draw that will likely be maintained regardless of the destruction it brings.

 

Unfortunately, the fantasy bond driven relationship can include all different types of abuse. The fantasy bond theory at least partially explains why people in abusive relationships stay in the relationship, accepting abuse even when they know its wrong and destructive. People can believe they ‘need’ the illusion, and hold to the illusion so tightly, they will endure anything, or do anything in order to preserve the illusion. Any relationship that includes the destructive patterns listed above (which abusive relationships do) is toxic. Engaging in the fantasy bond also keeps people stuck in the illusion and unable/unlikely to seek or accept love in a healthy relationship.

 

So, some months ago, I’m doing counseling with this client who is trying to decide how to leave her abusive relationship, and we were talking about the things that had attracted her to her partner at the beginning. She told me how the partner had some behaviors that reminded her of her father, with whom she had a love/hate relationship. “I remember how I thought what Tom was doing was so cute, but now I realize that maybe I just have a bad picker,” she said in almost a nostalgic tone, “And dumb me for thinking he wouldn’t turn on me like my father did. I should have known better. My father used to have the same reaction to me that I am getting from Tom. Its kind of weird, but when I react to his behavior, I get so angry!! I yell and fight the way I saw my mother do with my father. Its like everything I wanted to say to my father at the time, all the anger I had, it comes rushing out at Tom. And then he hits me, and I land against the wall… just like my mother always did.” 

 

Okay, one thing that stood out for me as I was listening was that the relationship between this woman and her father seemed likely to be a volatile one, or at least one fraught with frustration. There might have been a sense of disconnection that was unsettling to her when she was young.

 

With this client, she stepped into a toxic relationship when emotional pain from her developmental years created a distortion that assisted her subconscious to choose a person with whom she could experience familiar patterns; yes destructive patterns, but familiar patterns; patterns that the fantasy bond disguised as ‘the right ones’. In essence, her ‘picker’ was indeed broken as she has not yet recognized the pattern and learned to make other decisions.

 

Playing out the patterns and the behaviors created a very uncomfortable emotional environment for the woman but even so, she stuck with her partner for years because she had convinced herself that the partner loved her. She had recently become pregnant and lost the baby due to the abuse she endured. This is how she ended up in my office; on a referral from the woman’s primary doctor after the hospital she went to for the ‘miscarriage’. The hospital staff noted suspicious injuries and reported their findings to the doctor.

 

“Losing the baby woke me up,” she admitted to me, “I’m 35 years old. I wanted that child more than life…. I may not get many more chances to be a mother… that may have been my first and last one. After I lost the baby, I started wondering about my future… like what was going to happen to me if Tom and I keep fighting this way… I don’t think he would kill me, but…” Her voice trailed off and she looked at me for the first time during the session. “I think I need some help.”

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I got her transported to a safe house where she might still be. I received a postcard the other day with no return address that simply read, “Doing much better, finding my way,”.

 

Okay! That’s it! Next week will part 2 of the Toxic Relationship Series, same time, same place, That’s right, Monday afternoons at 5 Pacific time! Topic for next week is Toxic Relationship Part II: Recognize the Snake

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