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Today, a different sort of post. I have decided to occasionally post bits from my private journal. I am posting the information to help others examine things they may be facing too and hopefully offer some support of not insight. Enjoy my thoughts....

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Personal Journal 06.26.20

Yesterday was Raechal's birthday. 25. I feel like I'm too young to have a kid who is 25... much less the age 32 of my oldest son. In my mind I'm still in my late 30s... not turning 50 this year. It's strange how the mind plays tricks on us.

 

A couple weeks ago I found out that the chick I've been slobbering over at the smoke shop is 27... and although my attraction to her has not changed, I have noted the "reality check" in my head.

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Is this what getting older is going to be like? Reminiscing about the past and always dreaming of what could have been? Watching young women and enjoying sexual fantasies about them until the crushing realization I am old enough to be their parent hits me and then settles into just another form of torture? Watching myself fading into oblivion never realizing any glory of my own?

 

Sure, I have had some achievements... I am not discounting them but they do little for me when I look backwards and acknowledge that I have wasted my life.

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By social standards, I haven't really wasted my life... I raised 3 amazing human beings, I got my masters degree... I have my own home and 2 cars. But its how I FEEL. I feel like I haven't experienced anything, gone anywhere or accomplished anything. Why do I feel like that? Why am I never enough for myself? Is it because I still haven't found my heart? As in my true calling... I love being a therapist but I'm not yet practicing in the way I've always dreamed. Will I finally be "happy" when I get there? Will I get there?

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Adding to my "midlife angst" is the nagging thought that I don't have much time left. Realistically, I probably have between 20 and 30 years left but my brain tells me it's not enough. Maybe it's just my fear that I will never finish, never manifest my dreams.

 

I have come to the realization that I can mold my life as I see fit but I also know it's not that easy either. Everything takes so much TIME... and because I know that, THAT is what makes me feel that I will never reach Nirvana.

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People say, "Life is about the journey, not the destination". While intellectually I understand this, the phrase gives me no comfort. For me it is an empty epitaph that brings me right back to the feelings that I have missed everything my life has offered me. That is illogical though too, as I have had many moments where I was in the right place at the right time; places where I've had awesome opportunities and been successful in utilizing them and also places where I have had the privilege of experiencing such joy and completion.

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Maybe it's my expectations of what life is "supposed to be" or what actions/achievements mean I've arrived. My inner feeling is that I will never 'get there' until I believe I have. Like most people, I have my list of what will be in my life when ' I'm there'... for me its simple things like being able to pay all the bills every month and being able to help my children financially... have some money in the bank for retirement.... those goals are not outlandish... not out of line with what's possible. Millions of people have those things.

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I am so lucky to be in a position to be able to engage my existential bullshit. Interestingly, I feel almost like a teenager... everything feeling like it's so dramatic and "the end of the world"... but I know it's not... in a global way, I know it's not but it is to me. I only matter to me. My little life doesn't matter to anyone but me.

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My baby girl is 25....

 

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